


Voices

by S_R_K



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hearing Voices, I hope you guys hurt, I made this instead of sleeping, Ive been reading a lot of angst lately, Sad Han Jisung | Han, heavy misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:21:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29928525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/S_R_K/pseuds/S_R_K
Summary: A little whisper turned into something dangerous in Han Jisung mind. Causing him to doubt everything.(I was inspired by other angst fics like: Hugs by bbokari but I wanted more “PAIN” 🍞/French speakers should understand this joke 🥴)I hope y’all enjoy.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Everyone
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	Voices

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like my 💩 writing.

After another round of Album promotions, Han Jisung was exhausted. Correction, everyone was exhausted but fortunately their schedule ended early today. Which gave them a good amount of free time when they arrived back at the dorms later in the evening.

  
They all settled in the van, only Felix and Hyunjin conversing with each other while the rest were either on their phones or getting some shut eye.  
Jisung was in the latter but he couldn’t doze off to dreamland so sighing internally he willed his faux sleepiness away.

  
Maybe once he gets back home he can cuddle with someone to fall asleep. The orange/blond hair boy turned his attention to the blond duo beside him.  
He wasn’t really paying attention to what they were talking about so he decided to cling to Hyunjin’a arm, who was sitting in the middle of them, to get his attention.  
“Jinnieee what are yo-“ his whine was cut short when the blond suddenly pulled his arm away with a face of disgust.

  
Han was bewildered and he stared at his bandmate’s reaction. An unsettling feeling bubbled inside of him “Ya what are you doing? Stop being clingy” told the older in a harsher tone than Jisung expected.Or maybe his ears were playing tricks on him because he was receiving his distaste.

  
The orange haired boy could only look down and mumbled a quiet apology to the older. Hyunjin shot him one last glance before turning back to talking with Felix.  
Leaving Jisung confused, did he do something wrong to the blond? Did he annoy him by any chance? The young rapper fiddled with his rings trying to remember what he did wrong or anything annoying to his Hyung. But he couldn’t find anything. Until he remembered the last phrase the older boy said to him.

“Stop being clingy.”

Has he been too clingy with him?

Suddenly a wave of memories of the last week reminded him how much he clung to the older and although it gutted Jisung a bit. He understands why Hyunjin would be annoyed. They had a stressful week and maybe the older boy warranted some peace. Jisung stayed silent all throughout the way back home, the others not noticing his sudden change but Felix. The other blond assumed he was sleeping like Seungmin in the front while Jeogin was playing on his phone. So he didn’t question it.  
After all everyone just wanted to be back home.

  
0=0=0=0

  
When they arrived at the dorms, everyone dispersed to do their own thing. Han Jisung laid on his bed alone after his shower, in his shared room with Maknae. For some reason he still couldn’t fall asleep and really craved for some cuddles. The words from before still stung him but he thought that as long as he gave Hyunjin the space that he wanted he’d be okay besides his words doesn’t mean the other members felt the same way as him. (Right?)

  
The rapper mused in understanding, he’d just have to find someone else to cuddle than the moody llama. He got out of his bed and strides out of the room to find the Maknae in the living room switching through channels. He immediately rushed towards his side and squashed him with a hug “Innie~” he cooed.

  
The younger backed away from him, grunting and his face grimaced.“Hyung I don’t want to cuddle right now please leave me alone,” he asked. Shoving the older boy away, trying to concentrate on the movie that was now playing on the TV.

  
Jisung felt disheartened from the shove and wanted to get the younger boy’s attention again but thinking back at the words of the dancer in the van. He decided against it. _‘Did Hyunjin not say anything because he was being nice? That’s why he reacted the way he did?’_ Jisung thought it was best to leave the youngest alone and look for someone else to cuddle with.

  
He walked over to the kitchen and saw the second oldest cooking something for dinner. Minho! Minho would want to hug him right? The Rapper wrapped his arms around the older’s waist, he back hugged him. But when he put his chubby cheek against Minho’s shoulder it wasn’t appreciated. The older groaned and shook the other off “Hannie I need to cook dinner; not now.”

  
That’s understandable.

  
Jisung mumbled an apology and immediately released his hold on the older who went back to cooking.

  
_‘Okay maybe not Minho Hyung right now’_

The touch starved Rapper still wanted to have someone to cuddle with but after three consecutive rejections. He was unsure of himself, some hidden insecurities creeping their way through his heart. Maybe he should forget about cuddles tonight, it seems like everyone wanted their free time spent alone and unbothered.

  
Besides Felix was already gaming in his room while the two other members of 3racha decided to use this time back at the studio working. The only reason Jisung stayed behind was because of the tiredness he couldn’t rid from his body. So he paced back his room passing by Seungmin, Hyunjin and Minho’s room.

  
The door was slightly ajar and although he didn’t mean to eavesdrop. Han Jisung couldn’t help himself especially when his name was mentioned.  
“I don’t understand why he’s being so clingy off cameras. I get why he’s doing it in front of the camera but he doesn’t need to be off cameras,” complained Hyunjin who was cuddling against the puppy.

  
His words caused Jisung’s heart to drop to the floor. He inhaled sharply.

  
Seungmin was petting the dramatic llama’s soft hair, not bothering to stop him from his rant. His silence didn’t help with the spiralling thoughts of the orange haired boy outside their room.

Jisung didn’t want to stay a second longer and discreetly left to his room with a heavy heart.

  
0=0=0=0

  
Once laid down back on his bed, using a pillow to hug in his arms. Jisung thought of all the events that happened in the past, memories of happy times that twisted themselves into a dark understanding from his insecurities. Snippets of moments that brought immense joy to the rapper turned into ones of embarrassment.

  
 _‘I’ve been so annoying...’_ His conclusion led to more thinking of the past that weirdly fit a narrative that churned the dept of his stomach.

  
It left something disgusting in his mouth.

  
He agonized over everything for hours, remembering all that ever occurred to him with the other members. Feeding to the narrative of being only tolerated by the others and being an annoyance. Causing his fears to soar. His insecurities seeping through his mind.

  
 _ **‘You finally realized it? You are only being tolerated. No one actually wants to be with you. You’re not worth it.’**_ Whispered something in his head in a broken loop.

Jisung’s heartbeat pounded against his chest. He couldn't believe it, so he grabbed his phone and searched clips of them on YouTube. He watched dozens of them, over analyzing each member's micro facial expressions and tones. Which didn’t help him at all, the heavy words in his head and reactions now caused him to feel like an annoyance.  
Jisung sucked in a cold breath—Was he actually just someone annoying to the others all this time?

The thought let him enter deep waters.

Suddenly footsteps were coming to his room and caused Jisung to panic. He quickly turned off his phone and closed his eyes.He pulled the blanket over to his chin. Silently hoping whoever came in the room doesn’t realize he was faking sleep.

He heard the door open. He feigns sleep, forcing himself to steady his breathing as if he was slumbering deeply. After a few moments the door closed, letting the young rapper to release the actual breath he’s been holding back.

All the negative feelings left him weak, his eyes stung a little as he harshly rubbed them away. He should stop being annoying, he told himself.

Not long after that he fell asleep,skipping dinner.

0=0=0=0

The next day Jisung was the first to wake up from hunger. Skipping dinner last night probably wasn’t one of the greatest decisions he’s made but he can live with that.  
The boy was staring at the ceiling, he knew they had a dance practice then some schedules later today but he didn’t have the will to get out of bed. Last night’s revelations stayed with him even in his dreams; haunting him.

He turned to his side, trying his hardest to not make noises for the sleeping Maknae right across from him. After processing everything, Jisung decided he should stop with the skin-ship even though that will hurt him a lot. He’s naturally an affectionate person that thrives off of other people’s warmth and care during stressful times. But the thought of his band mates finding him annoying hurts even more than his need to be cuddled with.

  
He gulped down his saliva to lubricate his parched throat. Jisung made it his goal to be less annoying from now on and got out of bed to be the first to get ready.

Which is the first of many.

0=0=0=0

Later that day, he found that holding himself back from touching any of the members proved to be difficult. His hand would awkwardly float midair in the middle of reaching out for them but he stopped himself on time and shrugged it off by rubbing the back of his neck. Jisung saw how none of the others commented on his odd behaviour or maybe they were glad and didn’t mention it for him to fix it.

The whispers in his head got worse by the minute but Jisung did his best to shut them out.  
 _‘It looks like they liked it this way,’_ he thinks when he saw everyone having fun and joking around with each other during dance practice while he stayed on the sidelines.

Watching them with a fond smile.

Jisung managed to convince himself that it was good that he caught this on time to fix it.

0=0=0=0

A few days passed, The orange haired boy found it easier with each passing day to stop himself from craving for affections.The other members never said anything to him about it so Jisung thought they were happy with the change.

Their schedules kept them busy, Jisung would act like he always had before in front of the cameras for the content's sake but made sure to not over do it. Afterwards when the cameras were off, Jisung would pull back almost immediately and give the other members space.

  
Which garnered a lot of weird looks from them at first but Jisung thought it was nothing since they stopped giving him looks after a day or two.

  
0=0=0=0

  
If he was being honest.

It felt weird to not be hugged or cuddled with. His craving for human touch was taking a toll on him but he didn’t show it. Instead he substituted it, Jisung found his old star plush he kept at the bottom of his belongings.

The little blue Star was his childhood stuff toy given to him by his parents that inevitably got stored away as he got older. But his attachment towards the smiling star was deep and he couldn’t let himself throw it away. So he kept it hidden and sometimes forgotten. Whenever he felt the urge to hug someone, he’d cling to the plush that covered his chest and slept with it. It was nice besides he shouldn’t be greedy.

  
It’s been a while since any of the members slept with him on his bed but then he realized it’s usually him that goes to their beds to sleep together. His cheeks burned at the memories when he would wiggle next to them at night because he couldn’t sleep.

_**‘Being annoying.’** _

Commented the little whisper but Jisung tried to remain unbothered while his heart died a little every time he’d think of being annoying.

0=0=0=0

He would have been proud to say he’s been living quite independently since he stopped bothering the others. Jisung would now spend most of his time at the studio with Chan to work and weirdly he had a lot of work done. Although it meant he sacrificed sleep and his health like their leader but it was good to have things to keep his mind out of the gutter. Chan seemed to have noticed this but when he tried to speak to Jisung about it with a bizarre expression. He refrained himself because the younger one was busy listening to a track.

  
But little did he know, Jisung saw everything in the corner of his eyes.

  
 _ **“Look at your leader, you are making him uncomfortable with your company since he’s not used to it.”**_ Droned the little voice.  
 ** _“You’re causing such unnecessary stress on his shoulders. He has better things to worry about.”_**

  
The next day, Jisung would move out of the studio to a secluded area he found in the company to work on lyrics when he noticed it was getting late. His actions caused Chan to look less anxious and Jisung smiled softly to himself. See he can be reliable and read the mood.

0=0=0=0

The days continued with a new normal, the orange boy stubble changes was silently ingrained in the group dynamics without the others knowing.  
Nothing really changes in front the cameras, the young rapper acting like before but when it stops rolling. It was like he flipped a switch and was lost in his own world. Becoming more quiet and would just often stare at his bandmates with a fond smile in his little corner.

0=0=0=0

Life continued like this.

If you had asked Jisung if he was okay he would say he was okay because he is.

(He thinks.)

For some reason the little whisper turned into this loud voice that would critique his every action but Jisung learned to not pay too much attention to it.

(Not like it affects his self esteem and confidence or anything)

The voice is just a persistent being that likes to downplay his efforts, telling him he’s not good enough and how he should stop being annoying. Jisung knows he was in deep waters now but he tried his hardest to somehow shut the nagging feeling away.

Until one night when he was arranging some beats that Chan asked him to. The little voice said something dangerous:

_**“You know your teammates don’t actually care for you.”** _

  
At first Jisung was shocked. How did it come to that conclusion? He wanted to refute it but suddenly he was thrown off with some face slapping facts.

  
_**“It’s been weeks since you stopped touching any of YOUR “Team” outside of work related reasons and they never questioned you about it.”** _

_**“Maybe because they don’t care or are they glad about the change they didn’t mention it.”** _

_**"You became so busy nowadays but do you hear them wondering how you are? No right? They haven’t asked you anything or even cared to know what you’re up to now .”** _   
_**“** _

_**Your obnoxiously loud self finally knows how to fucking tune it down and they never questioned it. Is it because they’re glad you finally decided to shut your mouth sometimes?”** _

The harsh words that were said, caused the boy to feel sick, he leaned over the table. He’s breathing became erratic as the voice continued to spiel some pointed facts at his members' behaviour. Causing a wave of doubt to sweep him off his train of logical thinking. Jisung tried his best to calm his breathing and clenched his eyes shut. He hoped the other two in the studio didn't notice him.

  
They didn’t, the noise cancelling headphones did their job of not letting them hear his breakdown.

Suddenly the room felt suffocating, his hands trembled when he tried to save this work. When he turned off the screen, the boy jerked up from his seat and grabbed his jacket from the sofa. Darting out of the room and sprinting down the empty halls.

He entered the staircase and finally broke down. The confidence Jisung would be envied for was completely gone. His sobs echoed down the staircase, he knows he won’t be heard since it was already so late. Besides, no one uses the stairs anyways. So he finally let's himself cry.

Weeks of no reaction from the group made him doubt his importance. Was he even relevant? He’d ask himself sometimes.  
What did he add to the already amazing group that the others didn’t already give?  
Dancing? Minho Hyung, Hyunjin and Felix. Singing? Seungmin, Jeongin and Chan Hyung. Rapping? Changbin Hyung, Hyunjin and Felix. Producing? Chan and Changbin hyungs. Actually they were all, all rounders so what the fuck is he giving?

He cried even harder.

The little voice that was there since the beginning slowly took over him no matter how hard he tried to shut it out. He became more self deprecating, craving affection and love that the others gave each other so easily but not him.

He wanted to be cared for but he hasn’t been feeling that at all since his change. No one reached out to him, no one would talk to him unless he started it to ask something.  
And that broke him.

For the first time everything hit him all at once to accept the truth he's been denying. The heavy question of his worth caused him to break into tremors.  
His wails were heart wrenching to whoever could hear him. A petit boy, curled up against the wall a hand holding his head up while the other laid limp by his side.

Jisung doesn’t know when but down the road of becoming more independent he became numb.

0=0=0=0

Ever since his break down, Jisung became more tired, more quiet and kept to himself more.

The voice is now a constant friend to keep him company throughout the day. Never stopping which pushes him to keep himself preoccupied. He knows that he’s not taking care of himself at all at this point. Waking up far too early, sleeping way too late and even skipping meals but he can’t help it.

  
Whenever he looks at his appearance in front of the mirror he sees his dark circles and haggard face. He sneakily had to use more concealer and foundation to cover his exhaustion after the comments from the makeup artists.

  
 _ **“You are such a hassle.”**_ The voice would quip along with snide remarks of his disproportionate and exhausted appearance.  
 ** _“You look so ugly right now, wonder why they even added you to the group when you’re so useless and ugly.”_**

Jisung knew it was getting worse, the voices, but he couldn’t stop them and no matter how hard he tried to ignore them. The negative words that filled his head started to chip away at his confidence. He would ponder about it constantly if he was worth it and when he tried to assure himself that the others care for him. The voice would ruthlessly kill his reassurance by making him overthink everyone’s actions.

  
At an interview one day, everyone was so busy with talking between themselves that they didn’t notice Jisung's silence. No one bothered to ask him how he was or include him making the voice shout out loud how he was not wanted. He had to move to a secluded corner and squat down against the wall to try to silence the voice.

  
_**“See how they don’t care to ask you what’s wrong? Or even notice that you are gone.”** _

_‘_ _Shut up’_

**“ _It’s because they don’t care about you.”_**

_‘_ _I said Shut Up’_

**“So do yourself a favour and stop lying to yourself that they care.”**

_‘SHUT UP’_

His mind turned quiet after his voice finally overpowered ‘it’ and Jisung let out a breath of relief. “Finally some peace,” he whispered out loud. Hanging his head low while pinching the gap between his brows.

0=0=0=0

A few days passed, Han Jisung continued his solitary lifestyle within the group. He was barely at the dorm anymore, usually spending his time at the studio.

  
Reaching another breaking point.

  
He could feel his body starting to fail him but when he tried to make an effort to sleep just a little bit early. His anxious mind enabled him to fall asleep, dark thoughts kept him awake and even with the help of the star plush. That he now baptized as [Bluie] since he forgot the name.

  
The voice would never stop whispering stuff he’d wish would stop. Nowadays when he is home early, he will be cooped up in his room working and when it was late at night when everyone was asleep. He would quietly let his tears fall from all the numbing emotions. He didn’t know what he was doing anymore.

  
Even breathing felt suffocating, his throat would tighten whenever he tried to talk to the others and would jerk away when the members touched him.  
Jisung lost all his confidence, when he’s alone and even worse when he’s with them or anyone. The voice persistently being a fuck whenever he was with other people.

It felt like a shadow was over him, following him everywhere and would never stop whispering in his ears. Jisung never felt so alone being surrounded by people.  
And he needed someone to talk to.

  
0=0=0=0

  
When the boys exited the van, Jisung was left behind; gathering his courage to ask his Manager for the company’s therapist.

  
“H-Hyung,” he stuttered.

  
“Yes Jisung-ah?”

  
Suddenly his airway constricts itself, the phrases he wanted to say fell short at the tip of his tongue.

  
 _ **“Why are you causing him trouble? He has a family to get to, why are you wasting his time to talk with you?”**_ The boy’s mind digressed. It was right, why should he waste his time with him?

  
“Never mind Hyung it’s nothing.”

  
Jisung exited the van with his head hung low. He never asked for that therapist.

  
0=0=0=0

  
One evening, when Jisung left Chan and Changbin alone at the studio to move to the area, he found, around midnight. Not bothering to say goodbye anymore to the two 3racha members, he left the room with all of his stuff after saving everything.

  
He walked in the deserted halls and arrived at the place with beanbags and low tables. Jisung slumped down at the blue bean bag in the corner next to the windows.  
He opened his backpack and pulled out his trusty notebook. Jisung began thinking of new lyrics to add in their next album but his mind felt like mush resulting him to blankly stare at the paper.

  
Everything was quiet until his phone rang.

  
He fished his phone out his sweatpants pocket and saw an ID caller he hasn’t seen in a while. **{Incoming call: Mom}**

Jisung answered the phone “Yeoboseyo? Eomma?”

“Jisung-Ah, my baby, how are you?”

The boy was surprised by the question. When was the last time someone asked if he was alright? The members and everyone else stopped a few days ago if Jisung recalled correctly.

  
“Hi Mom, I’m good, why are you calling so late?” He replied, furrowing his brows. His mother sighed deeply “No reason hun, it’s just that I’ve been having a bad feeling lately so I wanted to call to check up on you.”

  
Her comment made the boy’s heart skip a beat or two.

  
“Hahaha-Eomma’s senses must be off because I’m fine. Hopefully it goes away soon,” jests the boy.

  
His dear mother hummed in response and they both talked a bit, catching up.

  
When it was getting late, Jisung’s mom decided to end the call. “Han-ah I’ll end the call now to sleep, don’t stay up too late hun. Saranghaeyo and I miss you. Hopefully you come home soon.” The sudden words of affection and care felt like rain finally came to Jisung’s barren heart. He felt himself choke up, tears spilling out of his eyes. He missed his family so much.

  
“I love you too Ma, I hope everyone there is alright.”He whispers back making sure his voice didn’t crack.

  
When the call ended, Jisung held his phone tightly and covered his eyes with his other hand.

0=0=0=0

  
Today is the Fan-sign event, the squirrel-like boy made an effort to smile happily and hide his exhaustion. His makeup felt heavy on his face to conceal it.

  
He would grin happily and interact with Stays who would worriedly ask if he was okay whenever he looked out of it. Jisung would assure them he was fine and that everything is alright. Diverting their attention to something else until they went to the next member.

  
When it was over, everyone was goofing around the platform with toys Stays have given them. Jisung stayed seated though. He didn’t feel great, he felt dizzy and nauseous. Maybe skipping both dinner and breakfast this morning was a mistake.

  
He doubled over the table, trying to make himself small and to not attract anyone’s attention. He wanted to go back to the dorm and pass out from exhaustion before his anxieties would hit him in the middle of the night. Even when he managed to sleep, he somehow befriended a sleep paralysis demon causing him to feel even more exhausted when he woke up from the few hours of sleep he had.

His body would turn cold and heavy. As if he wasn't in control of his own body, edging between dream and reality. Nightmares plagued him, scenarios of everyone telling him off and failing to meet everyone's expectations would play out his mind. Like a movie of yourself in third person view, Jisung couldn't comfort his dream self when he breaks down.

  
Feeling like shit, the boy was shivering slightly. His mind lost elsewhere until a strong hand latched on his shoulder. He tilted his head up to see Hyunjin with a face that at this point he couldn’t decipher.

  
His eyes blurred the lines and his ears did not catch what the older said.

  
 _‘Ah time for the games,’_ he assumed.

  
They planned on playing a few games with the fans so Jisung stood up from his seat.

  
_**“You made them wait for you.”** _

_‘Yeah I know.’_

“Sorry, give me a minute,” he said, treading unsteadily towards the others.

Did he say that correctly? Or is he even walking correctly? For some reason everything was disoriented.  
He felt more hands on him, the other members crowded him like how penguins would huddle when it’s cold.

  
_‘What’s happening?’_

  
But before he could ask and start the games, Jisung’s vision turned black.

**Author's Note:**

> I may or may not continue this...


End file.
